


An Impossible Crush

by Llama1412



Series: The Lovestruck Fox [1]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Elf/Human Relationship(s), Gen, Gossip, Interspecies Relationship(s), Jokes, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:14:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29038443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Llama1412/pseuds/Llama1412
Summary: The Scoia'tael have started joking that Iorveth has a crush on the Blue Stripes Commander Vernon Roche. Iorveth does not understand why this is funny.
Relationships: Iorveth/Vernon Roche
Series: The Lovestruck Fox [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2130321
Comments: 7
Kudos: 42





	An Impossible Crush

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Vivi_7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vivi_7/gifts).



> Inspired by Vivi_7!  
> I was replaying Witcher 2 and I found it funny that on Roche's path, he says like 2 sentences when you ask about Iorveth. Whereas on Iorveth's path, when you ask about Roche, Iorveth has a whole rant prepared about how uncommon and skilled the Blue Stripes are and how Roche was the biggest threat to the Scoia'tael and he must be taken down. This is after, of course, Iorveth decided not to kill him. 🤔  
> And then Vivi_7 had the genius to say, hey, wouldn't it be funny if the Scoia'tael all knew? And of course, my first instinct is to have them roast him for his bad taste in men. And thus this lil series was born.

Iorveth did not have a crush. Despite what his men loved to joke, he _didn’t._ Not – not _seriously._ Sure, he found the dh’oine compelling: a skilled fighter and an agile opponent. Vernon Roche was a very worthwhile foe, that was simply fact. A man should be judged by the quality of his enemies, after all, and Iorveth’s enemy was of the finest make their was.

And no, that wasn’t bias speaking. He _didn’t_ have a crush on Roche. He absolutely did not! For fuck’s sake, Roche was _human!_ There was no way Iorveth could be in love with a human. He _couldn’t._

“That’s what makes it so funny,” Kythaela explained to him. Of all his men, he could trust her to tell him what he needed to know, even if it was something he wouldn’t be _happy_ to know. Such as the real answer to ‘why do all of you find the idea of me in love with _that dh’oine_ so amusing?’

It wasn’t that his other men would lie to him. But they would protect him, even from himself. Which was noble and sweet and all that, but Iorveth had a job to do and he really, really needed to know what the hell his people were thinking.

Because he _didn’t_ have a crush. But if he did, all the joking about him and Roche could give a guy _ideas._ And ideas were dangerous things to have, which is why he needed to hear what Kythaela was saying.

“It’s funny because it’s so ridiculous, but also so believable.” Ky waved away his offended squawk. “No, seriously, listen. Your men don’t actually think you love a human. We know you, we know how ridiculous that would be. That’s why it’s funny. Because if someone didn’t know you, they _could_ believe it. I mean, you totally make heart eyes at Roche’s biceps during fights. You always demand to face him one on one with no interference. You get pissy when he doesn’t give you enough attention–”

“I do _not!”_

“Eh, that’s an argument I’ll let Maeral field,” Ky flipped her hair over her shoulder and Iorveth frowned.

“Maeral would _not_ say that.”

He was pretty certain, anyway. Because it wasn’t true, obviously. And because she had respect for him and also typically preferred to keep things on task and to business. She would never say he was _pissy_ because Roche didn’t give him enough attention.

Frowning, he was suddenly reminded of the last time he’d truly gotten on Maeral’s nerves. She was very precise with her temper – she saved it for when it would prove the most use. But then? Then she let it fly free and _holy fuck_ was she scary. There was a reason she was his best infantry commander.

_Stop bitching at me about the stupid dh’oine. Some of us have real actual work to do instead of moping around like a lovesick teenager._

...did Maeral think–? 

He was suddenly much less sure of what she would or wouldn’t say.

“Anyway,” Ky said loudly, “it’s funny because you act kinda like a young elf in love, you know? So it’s… I dunno, it’s kinda sweet. In a hilarious sort of way, because it’s _Roche.”_

“Right,” Iorveth was more uncertain than he was entirely comfortable with. “So… it’s funny because it could never happen.”

“More or less,” Ky shrugged. “No one is going around gossiping about you demeaning yourself with a dh’oine. I promise.”

Iorveth forced himself to smile. “That’s reassuring.”

And it _was._ It was good to know. It was funny because it was impossible. And the natural follow up to that thought was that if it should become possible, it would no longer be funny. That was good to know, too.

  
Not that it mattered. Because Iorveth _did not_ have a crush. And he didn’t act like a lovesick teenager either!

**Author's Note:**

> There’s gonna be several more installments in this series, because of course I can’t write a simple standalone oneshot.


End file.
